The Cycle of Life: Exploring Death and Rebirth in Personal Growth

From late 2022 to mid-2023, I started on a transformative journey that challenged me to grow and deepen my understanding of the people closest to me. This experience encouraged me to reflect on my relationships and family dynamics. I had always believed in the goodness and kindness of those around me, and my affirmation "I am surrounded by positive energy" had been a guiding force in my life. As I evolved, I discovered that reality is multifaceted, and I learned to approach it with greater nuance and attention. This journey has been a catalyst for my personal growth, and I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned along the way through these four phases of personal growth:

Phase 1: The Turmoil (2023)

As I navigated this challenging time, I realized that my vision of a perfect family dynamic was an illusion. When my mother-in-law fell ill, I was hit with the harsh reality that our family wasn't the idealized unit I had imagined. Family was extremely important to me, and I had extended this importance to my in-laws, treating them with the same love and care as my own blood relatives. However, my husband and his family had a different perspective on how to care for my mother-in-law, and our differing views shook the foundation of our relationship.

As we explored our different upbringings and experiences, I began to understand the root of our differing perspectives. This newfound understanding left me feeling lost and uncertain about how to navigate the crisis. The disconnect between my idealized vision of family and the reality of our situation forced me to confront a difficult choice: adhere to my own expectations or align with my husband's approach. Seeking guidance, we turned to therapy sessions to work through our differences and find a way forward.

Phase 2: The Dark Night of the Soul (2024)

My darkest night of the soul was a time of intense questioning and self-doubt. I felt like everything I thought I knew about the world and myself was crumbling around me. My therapist pointed out that I had a control issue, where I wanted to control every outcome to fit my ideals and beliefs. I realized that beneath this need for control was a hero complex - I wanted to save everyone and make them happy. I genuinely believed that happiness was the ultimate goal, and that it was my responsibility to help others achieve it.

But the harsh truth I learned was that happiness is a choice, and I couldn't force anyone to choose it even though they are family or the ones that are close to my heart. This realization was both liberating and crushing. It meant that I couldn't fix everything, that I couldn't save everyone. And it forced me to confront the limits of my own power and control.

Another crucial lesson I learned during this time was that family's upbringing and past experiences are uniquely complex and can't be fixed with a one-size-fits-all solution. I had long believed that if I could fix my own family dynamics, I could help my husband fix his too. But the painful truth I came to accept was that some wounds run too deep, and some issues aren't fixable, especially when they're rooted in a lack of love. My husband's childhood upbringing was vastly different from mine, and he didn't experience the same level of love and support that I did, despite my own family's imperfections. The weight of his family history, with all its complexities and pain points, couldn't be undone overnight. I had to come to terms with the fact that some things are irreversible, and that acceptance was a hard-won but vital part of my growth.

Phase 3: The Rebirth (2025)

As I navigated the darkest night of my soul, I was gently guided towards a profound shift in perspective. During this time, I poured my heart and soul into creating a series of scents named Celebrating Womanhood, which is part of my Goddess Collection. Through this creative journey, I delved deeper into the mysteries of feminine power and discovered a sense of reverence for the divine feminine within myself. As I healed myself through my therapy sessions, I also learned to lean back and surrender to the natural rhythm of the universe, embracing the things that lay beyond my control as an inherent part of the cosmic flow. This subtle yet powerful shift allowed me to release the need to force outcomes and instead, align with the organic unfolding of life.

In this process, I discovered the wisdom of feminine practices that honor the cyclical nature of existence. As a woman, I began to listen to my own unique cycle, rather than trying to fit into masculine ideals of productivity and control. By embracing my femininity and the natural ebbs and flows of life, I found a sense of harmony and balance that I had been searching for. It was as if I had been trying to swim upstream, only to realize that the current of life was meant to carry me forward, if I only allowed it to.

As I emerged from the darkest night of my soul, I found myself living a life that's more fluid and intuitive. Gone are the rigid routines and expectations; instead, I've learned to flow with my cycle and the natural world. While I still prioritize my 6 AM workout, my days are now guided by my intuition, allowing me to focus on what truly needs my attention. This newfound flexibility has brought a sense of freedom and joy that I never thought possible.

My relationships with myself and others have also undergone a profound shift. I've learned to be softer and more compassionate towards myself, embracing my imperfections and allowing myself to enjoy life's simple pleasures without guilt. I've also come to accept others as they are, rather than trying to mold them into my ideal. While I still offer guidance and support, I've learned to respect their choices and decisions, even when they differ from my own.

Phase 4: Integration

Of course, maintaining this new perspective hasn't been without its challenges. My tendency to control and micromanage still surfaces from time to time, a trait that's been passed down through my family. But I've learned to practice letting go, starting with the smallest things, like allowing my husband to make a mess without fussing over it. It's a daily practice, but one that's essential to my growth and well-being.

To stay connected to my feminine power and the natural world, I've developed a few daily rituals that nourish my soul. Meditation with scent associations helps me let go of control and trust in the universe's plan. I've also incorporated a Balinese ritual called "mebanten" into my daily routine, which brings a sense of sacredness and connection to my life. Affirmations like "it's okay, I let it be" have also become a powerful tool for me, reminding me to trust in the universe's wisdom.

My sense of purpose has evolved to focus on experiencing life fully and elevating my vibration as a contribution to the earth. I believe that everything that happens to me is an opportunity for growth and learning, and I've learned to lean back and trust in the universe's plan. This journey of everyday enlightenment is one that I'm deeply passionate about, and I'm committed to continuing on this path.

To others who may be embarking on a similar journey, I would offer the following advice: learn to let things be, pay attention to the small details, and be sensitive to the signs and synchronicities that the universe offers. Seek guidance and support when needed, and take ownership of your contributions to the situations in your life. By doing so, you'll be able to navigate life's challenges with greater ease, trust, and wisdom.